My History With Depression
This journey through depression isn't my first. Back in the summer of 2014, I recall the last major season where the fabled "black dog" came knocking. Looking back on that season, the catalyst was different. I remember being in a job that required a ridiculous amount of hours, stressful work, and recent poor financial decisions on my end. I remember feeling stuck, I wanted so desperately to move on, and alleviate stress in my life, however I felt stuck, stuck because I needed to make a level of income to take the pressure off our finances.
This was the first time I encountered an extremely destructive force as it pertains to the human experience. That force is "The Imposter Syndrome." I'll delve into more detail later about my thoughts, discoveries, and self-realizations I made during the years that followed. However, back to 2014.
Up until then, I was a full-time musician, I made my living pursuing a dream I had to be a performing artist, a dream I held very close to my heart. The summer of 2014 was just over a year after my decision to walk away from that world, and pursue a different vocation. I took it as the death of that dream, ultimately, the death of something that wasn't just close to my heart, it was an engrained piece of my heart. Or at least so I thought (more on this in a later post).
So what was the catalyst that led to me getting through that season? Simply put, ignorance and a bit of luck. One of the major things that aided in getting through the season, was to return to the music business. That's where the ignorance came in. I returned to something familiar, something known, and that got me through the depression. However this decision didn't cause me to do the deep soul searching I needed to not only truly recognize the how, but to also led to me ignoring the why. There were much deeper (and still are to be honest) reasons, and mental behaviors, that in times of turmoil or challenge, become tripping points that can start a downward mental spiral. Hindsight tells me I wish I knew then, what I know now about myself. However, hindsight is something that never tells the whole story. I truly believe that focusing on either the past, or the future is a major trigger for my depression.
It wasn't until a number of years later, time journalling, more challenging times, and experiencing a truly rattling level of internal discord, that I really dug into the nitty-gritty of my triggers. A great friend of mine told me that "there is power in knowing your devil's face." Unfortunately this means spending time searching for that darkness, and spending time sitting in it. Ignoring it was no more effective than trying to perform a task with someone fighting for my attention. Or an even more real analogy, no more effective than trying to tell myself that the thorn in my foot doesn't hurt. The pain is always there, the presence of that thorn is always aware to the body. Ignoring it may bring short term relief, but ultimately may lead to an infection. It's a voice or presence that is always there, always fighting for my attention. Ignoring it only seemed to make it more powerful. Inquiry (which also will be discussed in coming posts) was something that became instrumental in allowing that voice to see the light of day, and for me to work out how to quiet the presence.
So far, this is the background to bring us to current day. I will make sure express that I don't have a doctorate, and as such, am not making any claims to know the answer for everyone. I'm just expressing the things in which I've discovered in myself, and the questions I wrestle with to become the best, and healthiest form of me.
This was the first time I encountered an extremely destructive force as it pertains to the human experience. That force is "The Imposter Syndrome." I'll delve into more detail later about my thoughts, discoveries, and self-realizations I made during the years that followed. However, back to 2014.
Up until then, I was a full-time musician, I made my living pursuing a dream I had to be a performing artist, a dream I held very close to my heart. The summer of 2014 was just over a year after my decision to walk away from that world, and pursue a different vocation. I took it as the death of that dream, ultimately, the death of something that wasn't just close to my heart, it was an engrained piece of my heart. Or at least so I thought (more on this in a later post).
So what was the catalyst that led to me getting through that season? Simply put, ignorance and a bit of luck. One of the major things that aided in getting through the season, was to return to the music business. That's where the ignorance came in. I returned to something familiar, something known, and that got me through the depression. However this decision didn't cause me to do the deep soul searching I needed to not only truly recognize the how, but to also led to me ignoring the why. There were much deeper (and still are to be honest) reasons, and mental behaviors, that in times of turmoil or challenge, become tripping points that can start a downward mental spiral. Hindsight tells me I wish I knew then, what I know now about myself. However, hindsight is something that never tells the whole story. I truly believe that focusing on either the past, or the future is a major trigger for my depression.
It wasn't until a number of years later, time journalling, more challenging times, and experiencing a truly rattling level of internal discord, that I really dug into the nitty-gritty of my triggers. A great friend of mine told me that "there is power in knowing your devil's face." Unfortunately this means spending time searching for that darkness, and spending time sitting in it. Ignoring it was no more effective than trying to perform a task with someone fighting for my attention. Or an even more real analogy, no more effective than trying to tell myself that the thorn in my foot doesn't hurt. The pain is always there, the presence of that thorn is always aware to the body. Ignoring it may bring short term relief, but ultimately may lead to an infection. It's a voice or presence that is always there, always fighting for my attention. Ignoring it only seemed to make it more powerful. Inquiry (which also will be discussed in coming posts) was something that became instrumental in allowing that voice to see the light of day, and for me to work out how to quiet the presence.
So far, this is the background to bring us to current day. I will make sure express that I don't have a doctorate, and as such, am not making any claims to know the answer for everyone. I'm just expressing the things in which I've discovered in myself, and the questions I wrestle with to become the best, and healthiest form of me.
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